October 31st, 2022

Dear Diary,

It is Halloween today, obviously. While I was invited to many hip parties because I am good looking and popular, I decided to just stay home and doom scroll instead. I bought like a hundred dollars worth of "fun"-sized candies. Yes, that is inflation adjusted. And, yes, "fun" in heavy quotations, because what is fun about miniature anything? Miniature pony? Can't ride it. Miniature Diary? Can't write it. Miniature dick? Can't ride it. Miniature Hot Wheels Corvette? Can't ride it. Miniature candy? It's a choking hazard, let's be honest. A candy conspiracy to depopulate, probably. Most of the conspiracies are.

The sun is setting now. I hear the shrill cries of children in the distance, panicked shrieks as another of their friends receives the Heimlich. It's going to be a long night Diary. Thank your lucky stars you were born a full-size Diary and not a miniature one.

I love you Diary,

Happy Halloween! xoxo