Top 31 Ways to Quit Smoking

Don’t.

Cold Turkey.

Wean off very slowly. If you smoked twenty-two cigarettes today, aim for twenty-one and 9/10ths tomorrow. Or twenty-one and 19/20ths. Or twenty-one and 29/30ths. Whatever works for you, we’re all different.

Say that you quit smoking to anyone who will listen.

Say it to people who aren’t listening too.

Just tell everyone.

When people say you reek of cigarettes and call you things like “liar” or “attention-whore” or “grossy,” tell them that you simply left your clothes to steep overnight in an airport smoking section because your hypnotist warned you that attempting two massive lifestyle changes (quitting smoking AND quitting smelling like smoking) all at once is a recipe for failure.

Tune in next time for Creative Ways to Explain Your Relapse.

I’ve heard good things about replacement therapy.

So like, every time you would normally have a cigarette, eat some kind of junk food instead. For the serotonin or whatever. Keep your browser open for next week’s section on Ways to Lose All That Weight You Gained When You Quit Smoking.

Or spend ten minutes doing floor calisthenics. Boring.

Replace smoking tobacco with snorting tobacco. Or that spitting tobacco. I wonder if they make nicotine lotion….

There are actually a lot of things you could do instead of smoking. Be on the lookout for next week’s Things to Do Instead of Smoking.

This next suggestion is only applicable to viewers who don’t drink booze: Only smoke when you’re drinking. Problem solved!

Become an alcoholic.

If I’m blacked out when I’m smoking, does the cigarette smoke still make a sound?

Relocate to a deserted island. And remember, this is very important – DO NOT start cultivating tobacco seeds on the island.

Cryogenically freeze yourself until a future time when smoking is healthy again and this list is completely irrelevant.

Stop drop and roll.

Sorry that was dumb.

For our more affluent readers, consider hiring a “Cig Slapper” to follow you around day and night slapping cigarettes out of your mouth.

Twenty-Two. Cigarettes. In the morning, 22 cigarettes at night.

For our slower readers (literally and figuratively lol), consider chasing an ice cream truck (the cardiovascular benefits of which may even offset some of your prior smoking!) until it stops, whereupon you may purchase or steal (unless the Feds are reading this, in which case, stealing is a crime and totally wrong and I would never advocate it even for retarded people, I mean mentally challenged people, who are just like you and me, except probably much poorer because the hourly wage for carnies is like absolute shit, just rock bottom, barely two nickels to clang in your pocket running after the ice-cream truck, just low low low, totally broke, not that poverty is an excuse for larceny, fuck Aladdin you know what I mean Feds?) a Chinese finger trap to wear on your hands which will inevitably ensnare you for hours, if not days!, due to your suboptimal (read as: carnie-level, simpleton, dimwitted) IQ.

Moving on…

Avoid common smoking triggers, like annoying family members (refer to last week’s Ways to Avoid Your Annoying Family Members), drinking coffee, and boredom.

For our lesbian and heterosexual male readers, try visualizing each cigarette as a tiny penis. This is referred to in the biz as revulsion therapy.

For our fags and heterosexual female readers, try visualizing each cigarette as an elongated malformed clitoris. Maybe? Is that a comparable analogy to the penis thing? My editor says just print it, nobody reads past eleven anyway.

Encourage your friends and family to start smoking, that way you can still inhale clouds of tobacco without having to personally smoke any cigarettes.

Post coital smokes are exclusive to coitus, which means they are not applicable to masturbation.

Think about getting in touch with your creative side by utilizing some arts and crafts. A fun and easy beginners project is making your own nicotine infused candles! Try braided tobacco leaf wicks, and remember to always light your candles in poorly ventilated spaces.

Remember, you can lie to others, but you can also lie to yourself. If you say you quit smoking, then you’ll believe you!